Copyright marasmus

“Hello, hello, oh respected TV-watchers and bear-den-dwellers, copyright-ers and copyleft-ers, letters-knowers and simple pedants! Once again Vladimir Vladimirovich Pupkin is here with you. Yep, yep, I have begun my speech today with such an unusual lyrical offense for a purpose, because – you will never believe me! – we were able to put our hands on truly unique video materials, capable to turn out the Earth upwards with the Antarctic itself! Almost now, practically in this very moment a civil storm of headquarters of, if one can name them as such, disrespected companies as RIAA and MPAA has begun in Brussels! You will, most certainly, yell, “at last!”, and in turn, I, most certainly, will totally agree with you in this interjection-emotional exclamation! But let’s don’t run ahead of us… Because we have our correspondent from Brussels, Vladimir Vladimirovich Papkin, hanging on the wire. Greetings, Vladimir!”

During approximately thirty seconds a series of claps, clicks, and even some sort of unclear gurgling along with creaking and screaming can be overheard in the ether. At last the image on the cameras clears up and a face of viewer appears before all those bear-den-dwellers.

“Hello, Voldemar! And I have you know that despite all disorders going here, I am still alive and nobody ever dared to hang me up by anything on anything!”

“Please tell us as fast as possible what exactly is going on there! That’s just a sensation – never before have the scale of the “battle for content freedom” been as such!”

“Indeed, Voldemar, something really unimaginable is taking place here! Central departments of RIAA and MPAA are being assaulted and attacked from all flanks! Attackers are dressed mainly in black T-shirts with a picture of some sort of ship – and they battle for each and every window, against each hated fucked-copyrighter, for each inch of ground! Yes, they are armed only with eggs, rotten tomatoes, and even some leaflets – but look with what unshakable persistence do they fight! That’s the greatest heroism imaginable! Voldemar, do you see it?”

Camera change a foreshortening of a review and a truly epic picture opens before the eyes: men in black and white T-shirts and vests shower windows of a many-leveled building with eggs and bananas. A victoriously sailing ship is painted on black T-shirts, a proud “CC” flaunts on white ones.

Some glasses in windows have been already broken, and sort of capitulation flags are hanging down from them. Somewhere from a top window a physiognomy of official is visible, which has been dirtied by a splashed egg – his expression contains all possible emotions, starting from fear, confusion and finishing with a rage, and to make the picture even shiner he is unsuccessfully trying to shout something to attackers, yet a mucous liquid, flowing down his face, is definitely preventing him from doing this well.

It’s clearly visible how a group of company’s representatives, still hiding behind a small metal facade, is desperately and with heart-rending cries tries to bash entrance door, but desperately rushing officials, who have previously managed to enter the building, prevent others of their kind from entering. Those losers, who haven’t been able to get inside, are being shelled from the incoming army with double force – some of them have already simply tumbled down on the earth, have put a paper package on their heads and started actively clattering the ground with free feet, shouting, “Copylefters are coming!”

By all means, it’s obvious that both a strategic and tactical advantage has been on a side of copyright opponents for a long time already.

“Indeed, Vladimir, we as well as our spectators are now enjoying this really epic battle of copy-writers with copy-lefters, creators versus parasites, supporters of freedom of intellectual property against creative-slavery! Such a scale, such a heat! I truly wonder whether this finally happened and God himself has heard our prayers? What do you think, Vladimir? Vladimir, wait a moment, what are you doing in there?!”

Camera change foreshortening once again, and it becomes obvious how Vladimir from Brussels pushes hands in his bag, and with a malicious grin on his face takes out a recently purchased package, filled with eggs, swings his arm with all possible strength and throws one egg in an aperture of one of windows, where during this very instant of time one of the immoderately scared representatives of intellectual parasitism is running.

Whether due to the good luck of Vladimir or due to bad luck of unknown copyrighter, thrown egg falls just under the feet of running representative, and he with eyes full of horror and mouth desperately screaming plops down a floor, still continuing his crazy movement in a pose “hugging a floor, physiognomy downwards”. Viewers have a unique chance to overhear the rest of his exclamation, “… And our eggs are iron!” and this very moment a joyful-boyish shout of Vladimir-the-correspondent blocks all the noise, “Y-y-y-y-e-e-e-s-s-s! Top ten!” Viewers are able to notice, how happily he raises his hands upwards and gives a salute – and then camera change foreshortening once more and we can behold his face in full size – and this time he looks like a rural cat, who has just secretly consumed entire grandmother’s tub with sour cream.

“Have you seen that? Take it, beasts! For internet, for creativity, for copyleft, damn it!” the face of correspondent continues to shout.

“Vladimir, how much I do envy you now!” the face of TV presenter responds in turn. “You have practically implemented my dreamboat of a childhood! How do you guess, can we name it as…”

“A Copyright-Armageddon!” correspondent Vladimir-Voldemar interrupts him before he can finish. “It has finally come!”

“Indeed, Vladimir, but when will we at last… Wait! Wait, we’ve just got a bunch of additional news – similar battles have already begun in Washington, Amsterdam, and even London! Our ether is being literally broken off by reports from other correspondents! Wait a bit! The main headquarters of RAO in Moscow are being bombarded with eggs, bananas, broken CD-disks along with packs of used condoms! It’s truly impossible to deny an ingenuity of our people! Oh, my warriors, oh, heroes! Just look at how wonderfully like boomerangs these CD-disks with shitty content are flying!”

A correspondent from Brussels, throwing a second egg,


“That’s not the word! But enough is enough, I am compelled to urgently say goodbye to you, Vladimir, for tens of similar reports from other cities of the world are waiting for us! And to cut a long story short I wish our correspondent from Brussels both firmness and accuracy, courage and endurance in this unequal struggle, and…”

Vladimir and Vladimir amicably turn to face the camera and their faces blur in a blissful smile…

“And let the copy-left reign!”