I am always alone

“Please forgive me, for I cannot tell you of it. We simply must part our ways. It’s everything you need to know.”

“But I do not understand… have I caused some harm to you? I loved you and still do love.”

“Do not say it like so, it only makes things worse.”

“But why? Why should we part with each other?”

“I have another man. I do not love you.”

* * *

“Ye, driveller, what’s the fuck do I need you for? Go and sing your serenades to some pensive sixteen-year-old silly girlie! You are just not the man for ye cannot financially support your girl! And I have already seen such ones in my life – and trust me, they simply don’t survive. The law of natural selection, right? And you are – the evolutionary flaw. Either you stop bringing some poetic nonsense and show me real money, or we are parting our ways today!”

“We are parting our ways.”

* * *

“No, not like so. No, no that way. So… like so… more… more… Oh… how nice! More… here… like that. With you… it’s so… so good with you… so good for me.”

“I… I have become attached to you… I don’t know, how… how I will live alone for now…”

“Hey, let’s not start that… ok? Don’t think you can buy me with your words. You… know the terms.”

“I know… I know it all. Sometimes it seems to me that I… know too much. The price… the price is still the same?”

“Yes, the same. And let us agree that it will be currency from now on, instead of barter. We are not living in the Stone Age, are we?”

* * *

“And do these four years together, do they really mean nothing to you?”

She has approached me, twisted her hands around my neck, and steadfastly and sadly has looked in my eyes.

“They mean everything for me. These were the best ones in my entire life, whether you believe it or not. You have given me so much… I have never met a man like you before… and probably will never meet anymore… Will live like… live like… all normal people…”

Her eyes filled with tears. I have embraced her and pushed to myself.

“Let us not leave each other, ok? After all, it’s what we wanted… to be together for all our lives… together to the last breath…”

“Oh my God, how would I have wanted it to be so! How would I want to never leave you… never ... to… that you always… with each sunrise, with each new day come to me… and I come to you… and we were with each other, and would both rejoice and grieve together… together… oh, how I would like that! But… I cannot… cannot… not now…”

“And still we have to part our ways… after all… forever?”

“Yes… forever. And you know this well. You know… I have a legal husband and cannot leave him… I cannot.”

* * *

“You know, now it starts to seem that I will never meet her. The only her, whom I would really fall in love with… who will love me… the one, who can become the only one… the only possible woman of my life.”

“I believe you make your conclusions too early. Not all is lost at all.”

“But not everything was found as well. And will it be found, I wonder? How small is the chance that among all the variety of people I can see and find her! I would rather stop trying, for now, I am too tired of this pursuit of phantoms, too tired… perhaps, I would rather be alone for now – always alone. I have come to this world lonely, and I should leave it the same way.”

“We all have to. That doesn’t mean, however, that we are destined to be lonely for our entire life from the beginning and up to the end. You will still meet her, of that I am sure.”

“Maybe. Possibly this unique day will once come when I will meet her… finally, find her. Maybe so. I really want to believe in that.”