Weapons of our age

Highly respected weapon-bearers, weapon-forgers, weapon-lovers, and weapon-users! Today we bring to your attention the unique classification of medieval weapons, found in the depths of Egyptian pyramids, from, so to speak, the spiritually focused point of view on that two-edged and quite striking subject. Advancing your question we wish to note, that in fact we do not have even the slightest concept of how in the above-mentioned Egyptian pyramids artifacts from so-called Middle Ages were discovered, however in connection with unique time perturbations, observed by our philologists, scientists, and simple readers, we cannot exclude some non-zero possibility of the mentioned events, for due to a number of already occurred locally-time anomalies which we all have witnessed, your individualities included, we have no more right to be surprised even by such a helix-looking turns of events. We also wish to point out, that those records, found by us, carry out is some unmeasured amount a deliberately-veiled and mystical character, and the task of solving a true nature of messages of ancient centuries is still to be accomplished by our psychologists, linguists, and by simple all those who has been bothered by idle and stupid sitting in front of a TV, killing own life in vain during, at least, his days off. Preventing that next untimely question of yours born from not less untimely thoughts of yours, we utter: well, that was simply our whip to name this classification list of medieval weapons with a word “our” in the center – and that’s all to it! As ancient ones used to speak – do not search for a hare in conjurer’s hat before that magician shows himself up – and here we go, untimely quoting them once again. So, the below mentioned list of medieval weapons of “our” century follows.

1. Hammer of Half-Truth and Lie

Most favored weapon of politicians and mass media, who have sold themselves to aforementioned politicians for a time being along with their brains and organs for blood dispersal in their bodies. With due skill and duration of swing can break heads of those untimely got under its brain-smashing and brain-washing strikes, crush accessories of their habitual world-outlook picture and even flatten out so that after the mentioned procedure they will start to feel themselves like a limpet, sticking to unclear places for unclear purposes. However, due to enormous weight and the requirement of long “promotion” of this tool for bashing human minds, this weapon has low accuracy and slow speed of blows, and more skillful warrior, armed with, say, “Rapier Of Reason”, is able to outmaneuver and bring his opponent to his knees with a series precise strikes in proper spots.

2. Sickle of Death

From ancient times this weapon was, first in foremost, painted on pictures in the hands of the avatar, representing the death of the human body. Similar pictures almost always made a predefined and expected influence on spectator of bewitching and stunning nature, for, most probably, only the total fools or totally enlightened ones have no fear of death. After all, one must remember how our not less mystical classic spoke, that it’s not that man is mortal that is terrible, but rather that he’s suddenly (and we’ll add – almost totally and irrevocably at times) mortal. And because nobody knows for sure the date of his own parting with this world (and, generally speaking, this date varies depending on the actions of the individual in question), this weapon in the hands of death has been traditionally inspiring appropriate fear in trembling in the hearts of men. Let’s note, however, that due to observable time fluctuations, aforementioned in the introduction, a question of extremely intriguing nature arises among a set of researches of this phenomenon, of whether the death of a physical body is final and the potential revival of Souls in new physical bodies is possible, however, a detailed research of this question lies beyond the bounds on current classification. Traditionally, besides being carried by avatars of death, this weapon can often be found in possession of agricultural workers, more commonly known under the collective term “peasants”.

3. Ax of Anger

A plain weapon of human crowds, quite untimely used by them from time to time, which has led to yet another bloody revolution, oh comrades! Doesn’t require the owner to possess any serious skills to be applied, yet is capable to inflict lots of harm for both considerably right and considerably left ones, being swung from right to left (or vice versa). History knows the cases when men, driven to despair undertook these very axes and in the fury of anger on all mankind chopped their offenders into nothing for nothing. Actually, even literary heroes resorted at times to the “services” of this tool, being in an inadequate psychological condition. So, take care not to give right away this tool of anger to mad crowds if you have no desire to receive a “Boomerang Of Destiny” in return. You have been warned.

4. Dagger of Treachery

A weapon, known since most ancient times, which has been traditionally stabbed into backs of other warriors by traitors. As an alternative measure, the act of rascally cutting an innocent victim’s throat by stalking from behind can be taken into account. The third most widespread way of usage of this small, yet one of the craftiest and vindictive toolkit, is the attempt to perform the irreversible act of suicide – which can undoubtedly be considered as the greatest act of treachery of a man in relation himself and own further fate. In ancient times a widespread form of preliminary preparation of given weapon to a further act of treachery and murder was the process of coating a dagger with various poisons (traitors and killers of the past most likely truly enjoyed the view of the slowly agonizing victim). To cut a long story short, this is exactly the weapon of cold-blooded killers, traitors, and geeks, and all Ludoviks of the past are not an exception by all means. So, beware!

5. Poleaxe of Cruelty

In no way less deadly and destructive than “Hammer Of Half-Truth And Lie” weapon, capable to sever both hopes of disagreed ones and the thread of life of his wielder along with similar ones of his relatives, into a one and one thousand of pieces. Due to weapon’s design specifics, the highest degree of professionalism in its forging and battling was achieved for centuries by mountain dwarves of the spirit of conscience. From one generation to the next among people of this race of so-to-be-humans ancient recipes and secrets are being transferred of how to forge the ultimate killing edges, richest sheath, strongest and dumbest handles, and so on.

Hordes of these dwarves, smeared in a coal of underground mines, smoked in fumes of own steelmaking fiery forges, armed with these poleaxes, represent a truly frightening show, partly resembling a plague spread of the past, for after their next invasion nothing either moving or badly lying is left in the vicinities of nearest N miles, starting with a horse of some gone on a spree bard, minor daughter of local barman, or a purse with thirty silver coins of a local trader, who have grown fat too immoderately from the excessing use of beer. And even if mentioned minor daughter can still hope for a sweet (for her new slaveholder) life, yet her father-barman, merchant, and minstrel all together could only dream of the upcoming slaving fate.

Most severe and thrifty members of dwarves new slavish army, possessing “Daggers Of Treachery”, have a chance in the near future, being regularly drawn by duty into the ranks of their new owners, ascend to a rank of robbers and, thus, finally and completely assimilate with their former aggressors. Cruelty and ruthlessness of the race, owning described weapons of murder have entered into legends at a dawn of its origin, therefore that race was once named as a “yoke”. And it’s not we who should tell you sad is the fate of those, willingly living under its feet and tribute.

6. Rapier of Reason

Unimaginable, unpredictable, stunning and soul-piercing weapon! Demands from its wielder a masterful skill and tremendous accuracy of attacks-strikes (unlike frankly barbarous tools like “Hammer Of Half-Truth And Lie”, “Poleaxe Of Cruelty”, “Mace Of Fanatical Faith”), however, surpasses them all taken together in own efficiency. Given weapon is specifically designed for single fights-duels one-to-one, instead of wall-to-wall as it happens in cases of usage of “Axe Of Anger”. The technics of mastering of similar weapon is uneasy enough as it demands a high degree of inner calmness, tranquility and attentiveness simultaneously, which allow not only to easily evade enemy incoming blows but to determine the best and fastest way spots of possible reciprocal strikes. At due level of reason literally with one-two series of attacks and pricks of heart and conscience it’s possible to completely transform your rival to a friend and faithful companion – and, because it’s possible to consider as totally reasonable only enlightened/clarified persons, the process of transformation occurs from a smaller level of consciousness from darkness of ignorance to higher level of the light of divine reason. The history of our society knows literally several dozens of duelists who have mastered enough skill with “Rapier Of Reason”, sufficient for the awakening of unreasonable men.

7. Mace of Fanatical Faith

A favorite tool of inquisitors of the past and present. By efficiency of crushing of heads and minds of enemies can only be compared to a “Hammer Of Half-Truth And Lie”, however due to a spike-form structure of the iron ritual sphere crowning this creation, the weapon is capable to make in addition chipped and bleeding wounds in the form of unreasonable sense of guilt, own otioseness and sinfulness, which during the process of loss by the wounded one of his blood and juices of life, can lead him into a state of permanent depression and despondency. Probably, because of the last mentioned feature of given tool, it’s being so beloved by those inquisitors of unbelief, considering themselves believing instead.

Probably, they are somewhat right and truly believe – for example as if the ritual fools will enter the Kingdom of God the first and foremost ones, or, say, that it’s possible to cease being blood-thirsty by washing yourself in tubs filled with gold coins, or, perhaps, that the number of built by them “houses of God” will once transform itself into quality, and the God, who’s capable to lay an end to their business on Him, whom they in the heart of the souls of theirs do not desire to meet at all, will visit even a single one these buildings… and, perhaps, in that fanatical disbelief of theirs they would even be pardonable, if, certainly, not for the number of killed by their maces, broken off on racks, hung up on the gallows, burned alive on fires, crucified before dark on crosses, and all others who were forcedly had to leave this world because of these fanatics of unbelief.

If you don’t possess a sufficient skill of handling of “Rapier Of Reason”, “Katana Of Honor” or “Sword Of Word”, we would not recommend you to enter a duel with these rivals as they, first of all, dislike it very much to fight one-to-one, preferring instead those combat styles as “crucifixion by a crowd of fanatics of one awakened one”, “beating of a sinner by stones”, “theological demagogy”, and, secondly, will be ready with sincere pleasure and due to their immense philanthropy and mercy to anathematize you, and in some cases even to simple hammer you with their mace to a death, having as such relieved you of the burdens of this immoderately, in their own opinion, nasty life.

8. Sword of Word

Indestructible blade, forged in a fire of inspiration and under the heavy rain of abuses. Eternal, like the Universe itself. Sharp as the spirit of a warrior, wearing it. Faithful, like the its devoted to his word owner. The most widespread among all available types of weapons. Beloved by great warriors of word of the past and the present as such as birds love their wings allowing them to fly. The light of heavenly stars can be reflected through pure blades and the light of sun can be mirrored by hares of happiness.

The warrior himself bears the right to choose the words who are either perfecting his edge or rebating it. Warrior himself choose and master favorite strikes and tactics of defense. The warrior of word knows how invaluable his word is during the time of trials for human Souls. With each strike of the word he puts a part of his Soul into it – and if it’s pure enough, the light of the sky flashes during those instants of striking, lighting up and splitting apart the darkness of human ignorance.

The master of the word can awake Souls and revive them, illuminating by the light of hope and love, resurrecting them for a new outlook. Several years are required to master the technics of strikes. Even a hundred of lives will not be enough to perfect the skill of striking the darkness by the light of the stars.

9. Boomerang of Destiny

Extremely exotic type of weapons, possessing a number of badly documented side effects. Is characterized by the highest indicators of air traveling speed and maneuverability. Doesn’t demand a long time for a swing and is often used under the condition of direct visibility of the opponent. The skill of work with this type of weapon is if it’s even possible to tell so, congenital, – possibly for that particular reason the majority of novice fighters prefer this along with a “Dart Of Abuse” type of arms.

Striking ability varies considerably depending on the type of enemy’s armor – those unprotected by a chain mail of joy and good nature (and, especially those who are wearing black robes of rage and hatred) this weapon can strike almost mortally, ones dressed in mentioned chain armors in rare cases to slightly wound, and for those dressed in heavy plate armor of love and blessings is unable to cause any harm, being repelled back from iron armored plates.

Additional surprising and little-explored phenomenon which often remains unknown to novices, is a so-called “returning back to the owner” effect, or “requitals on affairs” – after a certain, not computable in advance time span, thrown boomerang, no matter whether it has reached its target or not, flies back to its owner, thus striking him back with a blow of considerably bigger force, rather than those made to a potential victim. If mentioned boomerang was thrown into the enemy with a significant force of rage and hatred, then the retaliation strike can become deadly. Only those warriors who are capable of introspection and repentance are capable to intercept a coming-back boomerang from its retaliation strike.

10. Dart of Abuse

Extremely compact type of throwing arms, not demanding extensive training for mastering of the art of firing on other relatives and far people (victims?). Each and every sleeping one at least once in his life used this type of weapons in various life experiences, which were provoking inside him a manifestation of such traits like anger, irritation, contempt, hatred, envy, and others. The degree of wounding ability depends on such factors as skill and duration of throwing trainings, current state of mind at the moment of a throw, sensual material of a dart, type of energetic nozzle (poison of offense, bitterness of contempt, smoke of hatred, gloating at grief, etc. – the choice of nozzles varies deeply, and spiritually blind and dead warriors will confirm that with a joy), as well as experience of former relations of fighters among themselves.

Practice demonstrates, that the smallest wounding ability possess those darts of two loving (?) each other people, for example, the husband and his wife (“the falling out of lovers is the renewal of love”), and one of the greatest – darts of political and religious opponents (probably for that very reason mankind waged all wars either on political or religious motives). The practice of imaginary dart-throwing of employees into their boss, whose avatar they often hand up on walls in their offices in place of target) is considered to have the greatest popularity. The greatest speed of dart-throwing at the lowered accuracy rate can be achieved by persons of deviant behavior and self-declined-offended-sad way of life (bums, prostitutes, addicts, prisoners, etc.).

11. Katana of Honor

Weapon of ancient samurai warriors (well, and how does it correlate at all with the Middle Ages, hug?), who became world-famous thanks to codes of fighters, strictly observed by them, and following principles of honor and duty. And, if the readiness to offer the life to fight with opponents of his mister can be still somehow understood, but the desire to stuck into yourself a sword the most effective way, having to let out the first (it’s also the last) portion of guts in the process of not less popular “hara-kiri” is somehow much more inconveniently for interpretation of incentive motives.

Due to exotic nature of form, materials, and bends of the blade, this weapon demands of the sustainable amount of training and highest extent of concentration and attention, for, after all, not only the honor, but the life of samurai itself often depended on their combination. Generally speaking, the fighter who has lost his weapon was considered to be deprived of a honor as well (female Samurais were a big rarity), and the one who has lost honor due to different reason was somehow not inclined to take the blade in his hands anymore.

Well, as the fans of known to us hara-kiri, who have already achieved success by that time and have safely put out their guts outside for the world to see, used to speak, – “protect one’s stomach and honor from the very youth”.

12. Halberd of Resistance

Power of action is equal to the power of counteraction? That Newton of yours must surely have lied to you, you more probably you have not got his true ideas truly. This weapon is the best proof that the power of counteraction to the evil is defined by degree on internal goodwill and love of the counteracting one, and in no way by his external physical force. Generally speaking, this weapon was initially intended to be used by defenders of weak and kind of this world from strong and malicious of this world, because till now they have been coexisting in this world in a very peculiar mixture – however further is has been acquired by so-called “guards”, not so always pure of hands, foot and consciousness, and since these old times the skill of forging of copies of weapons of this type has almost been lost.

Possessing a long staff of justice and extremely sharped tip of the truth, this weapon in skillful and just hands can counteract very effectively raids of every possible criminals of honor and conscience, making deep and bleeding cut wounds, capable from caused by them plentiful bleeding to rather fast lost by the attacking one of all his force, aggressiveness, impudence and insistence, making him an easy prey for capture and further forwarding on a court just and fast (and sometimes even sudden). To cut a long story short, it’s possible to tell with confidence: this weapon is almost an ideal option of resisting the evil with non-violence because the violence is just one of the sides of evil. We have only to discover again and make public those ancient recipes of forging, still transferred among few masters from one generation to the next.

13. Spear of Idea

The most ancient of weapons, possessed by our not-so-smart and not-so-far (though judging passed time interval – just far instead) ancestors. Copies greatly vary on the confessional look and the length of a staff, as well as by a form and sharpness of tips. It may seem strange, but the majority of copies, used by our contemporaries, to tell so, no so strongly vary by design and sharpness of tips from those Neanderthal prototypes left – and despite that fact, their successor not without a feeling of own pride dare to call themselves as Homo Sapiens. And if earlier spears were used exclusively for beating off to the death of innocent wild animals in nature, now spears of ideas are used to over-throw with them any heavily armed, yet more sluggish opponents on a close combat.

A special sort of popularity, based on our supervision, is gained by those spears with jagged tip which are being made on a basis of ideas, propagandized by politicians, churchmen, officials and scientists-materialists – spears of ideas, thrown by them, are able in this regard to leave lacerations in souls of wounded, bleeding by feeling of permissiveness and pseudo-patriotism, own congenital sinfulness and inferiority (sinning on the left and right priests, who are “promoting” these feelings in others appeared to be completely lacking this weapon along with conscience), absence of visible meaning of life and joy, daily melancholy and boredom and some others.

Let’s also note that no ideally balanced copies which would suit each man have been yet forged, unlike the great number of masterfully made clones of the last centuries, which modern armorers have been unsuccessfully trying to forge on the mass media plants.

14. Bow of Amur

Mystical weapon, according to legends possessed by beings infecting (hurting, inspiring?) human beings with a feeling of love. By tradition, such beings are called cupids – and that’s not a surprise, because France in XIII-XVIth centuries was sort of an example and light beacon of Middle Age epoch.

If we are to trust the anatomic researches of contemporaries, cupids resemble small angelic children with white wings, playful smile, and cheerful nature. The process of transformation of small children into angelic cupids is still not thoroughly studied, however, there are assumptions that exactly the opposite transformation sometimes takes place during the education of cupids in rough and silly human families. By their very nature cupids are very playful, peaceful and even slightly prankish, they adore to peep at potential lovers and at times very skillfully use bows with arrows of sympathy and love, granted to them from the very birth.

It’s necessary to notice that arrows of cupids not only do not cause any harm to the wounded souls but instead fill them with inspiration, the joy of life and happiness about which many of them so often forget in a vain and unnecessary crush of the route of lives. Evil tongues say that all this occurs because tips of their arrows are covered with special love poison, bringing anesthetizing effect at the moment of the wound, however, as soon as its action comes to an end … Generally, those trusting evil tongues, as a rule, don’t even receiver the slightest portion of attention from cupids. And considering those who don’t mind being wounded and revived – they can be noticed by cupids often in the least expected moment. Possessing a sufficient sharpness of an eye and accuracy of their small palms, cupids tend to nevertheless miss sometimes and wound those people, who, apparently, shouldn’t be. But, on the other arrow, the ways of cupids are truly inscrutable, right?

15. Staff of Wisdom

Simple and plain in appearance weapon, not inspiring any considerable awe into the hearts of uninitiated (unlike the same effects of “Hammer Of Half-Truth And Lie” or “Axe Of Anger”), but potentially possessing great mystical properties. Traditionally and deservedly it was considered as an attribute of grown wise men (we ask you not to confuse these ones with those grown experienced, for not every experience leads to the growth of wisdom), helping them move through life, leaning on it from time to time.

It’s hard to call the one carrying the staff of wisdom as a warrior in full sense of the word, because, as we all know, the true warrior wins a fight without battle, and wisdom of its bearers allows them to evade from useless verbal and ideological fights, however blows of the master of staff are as a rule bring a solid stunning effect, for rather often they strike either sinciput, eyebrow on an eye of the opponent.

Masters of this weapon during the process of transformation of own soul, often called as enlightenment, are able to give their weapon true magical powers –  thunder or repentance, lightning of understanding, fireball of inspiration – making it as of such one of the most terrible arms, causing panic and havoc in ranks of whole armies of their sleeping through their lives opponents.

16. A horseshoe of Good Luck

And how did it manage to come through? Well, all right, let it be the. Those are the Middle Age, after all…