When whirlwind comes
Oh my God, that is so exciting! At the long last I have met a girl, whom I have fallen in love with. I already started to believe more and more, that this is totally impossible, that I will never find a person, close to my spirit, in this world of yours. Tens of acquaintances – and nobody, no one, who had at least close to my world outlook. It seemed, that hope had almost left my heart and, as far as I could remember, I even began to convince myself that, probably, such way of things is absolutely inevitable and I, whether I desire it or not, should better accept it and to reconcile with it as with something so much stronger than me.
Amazing, that’s truly amazing – the spark of hope has practically died out… and during this very instant, when I have already almost ceased to trust in the possibility of a miracle, it has come true!
Lovely, nice, wonderful girl, surprisingly spiritually close to me. How did it happen that we have found each other at last? Just a few minutes back or forward – and we, knowing nothing about what we are creating, would, possibly, pass by, having never looked on each other. And we would never meet again that way… we would never meet for certain. And then I would definitely finally lose last bits of hope.
Oh, how much do I thank you, God, for hearing my prayers!
Today we were passing through a park, and a rain started pouring all of a sudden. We both have no umbrellas on hands so had to urgently search for some tree of impressive size to have a chance for a cover under its mighty crone. This just-in-time rain made both of us even more intimate.
While we have been waiting for it to finish, laughing at how funny we managed to wet through in the rain during our joint travels, we had the time to talk a lot. I truly wasn’t mistaken – this girl had views very similar to mine or, to be more precise, she has been living by them. I had no idea how to describe that sensation which has grown in me during those fifteen-twenty minutes of our conversation. Have you ever felt sometimes that you have met your second half? That you, formally knowing each other for the shortest time span, have felt each other for a whole eternity? That a man, now standing close to you, understands you from a half-word, for so similar are your thoughts and so close are consciousnesses? If you felt this even a single time in your life, you would understand those sensations and feelings of which I speak.
And then the rain has come to an end – just as suddenly as it has begun – and we have continued our way, entering crowded city streets. We have been crossing them time and again, periodically turning back and forth – up the hill and down dale, for we had something so much more appealing – we enjoyed a company of each other.
Then I, protesting in spirit against rules of actions, imposed on me by a society, but wishing to make her a pleasant thing, invited her to a cinema – and she refused. She told that it would be much better to return to that park which has made our day, instead of sitting in a stuffy hall, watching silly comedies or bloody action movies. The girl refused a cinema. According to all that stereotypes, carefully constructed in the consciousness of men, that was… strange, to say the least. Yet it seemed to me as if I understood her deeply during those instants of time.
And then we indeed returned to that rainy park, by that time already dried up by the rising sun. We were sitting together with her on a park bench and chatting. Those were wonderful moments of time, and I still cannot forget them.
I have no will to forget three months of our dating. I cannot forget her shining smile, as well as her during these moments – full of joy and happiness. Never will I forget our first kiss. I won’t cease remembering all our instants of time together with each other. For even now I dare not forget my true love. Even… now.
* * *
I met the second girl purely by accident. This happened just in time when I have been dating with my Tatyana. We were wandering through a park that day – were crossing a street when she came out of nowhere.
When we have almost overtaken over each other, both Tatyana and the girl, going towards us, have smiled and approached each other with a greeting. It appeared that the girl we have was Larissa, Tanya’s colleague on work.
They started chatting. I patiently awaited. Approximately ten minutes after they said goodbye to each other, and Larissa went own way. Passing us by, she glanced at me and said aloud – “And your guy is beautiful indeed…” – and Tanya answered that she’s a truly happy girl for now.
This day we didn’t encounter Larissa any more. And two weeks after I received I call from her on my office phone number.
* * *
Still wondering, how did she manage to get my office number. But apparently, for ones such as she, there are no things that cannot be broken in her wake to a selfish goal.
Then her constant one-after-another calls started along with meetings offers. Threats were used after my tenth refusal. I don’t give a shit on her threats, I love – loved? – only Tanya.
I love just Tanya, only her! Oh my God, I have no desire to cause her harm, for I do love her! When will those torments finally end?! Her! Her… only her…
Her threats were various. The last one was to “take me by force”, as she used to say. I wished her in, probably, the twentieth time to find another man who will fall in love with her and told her that there cannot be anything between me and her. Then she answered that if I am incapable to fall in love with her by the will of my own heart, then I shall do so by her own desire – and hung up.
That was the beginning of that nightmare in which I have been living till now. A month after Larissa’s last call I and Tatyana have sworn. We have sworn!
Never, never, never before anything similar between us was ever imaginable – that was simply inadmissible. But the fact remains – a month later after mentioned events we have sworn. The reason was of purely of household nature, I still cannot understand how have I allowed myself such a tone? For I do love her!
That was the beginning of our constant quarrels. I have no idea what overcame me those moments – I ceased to be true self. Wild, spiteful, aggressive… and always – every time I came home from work, – I found what to punish her for!
And first she tried to go on compromises, but after numerous repeats of my attacks, she only started to cry further. Something pushed me even greater in these moments – I saw how she was crying, how she’s grieved… no, how she’s weak! – and thirsted to hit her even seriously! More painfully, more rigidly! So that she remember it well for the rest of her life! To let her know how’s that – to contradict me!
Silly bitch! Stupid girl! Idiotic woman! How was that ever possible for me to fall in love with her?! Vainglorious nasty creature! Beast!
Oh my God, what’s the bullshit I am writing now? How do I dare think that way about my… beloved girl?! Beloved…
My beloved, dear… I know that you hear me even now when we have become so distant from each other… forgive me for these lines… I had no desire… I don’t know what’s going on with me… feeling so hard… as if something presses on me, trying to flatten – time and again, methodically and persevering… I ceased to comprehend whether it’s I supervise myself, or someone unfamiliar to me controls me at present…
Ta… ta… nya… forgive, forgive me… if… you still can.
* * *
Our quarrels became the begging of the end of our relations and mine – ours? – dream. At first, I beat her with words – and then started beating with fists. And that was the last drop in a bowl of her patience. She sued for divorce – and we parted our ways.
We left each other – nay! – I have thrown away that silly woman! Yes! She made the right choice to clean wherever one's wishes! Oh my, such a mollycoddle! Gorgeous bitch!
There are women so much better than her! Indeed! Much… better.
* * *
Today I am going to meet my beloved Larissa once more. How much do I miss her… No more nasty Tatyana – I desire only Larissa! I thirst for her… the desire to be with her.
Yes, yes, yes! We shall be happy together – for we do love one another!
* * *
I… I… I know not… Sometimes… from time to time it seems to me, that I have no love for my Larissa… That… that it’s sort of a nightmare, that… that our love never existed… Oh, how dare I doubt that? I banish thee, nasty thoughts! Certainly, I do love her!
* * *
Today it was sweet… so… sweet. We loved each other… we were the one. I feel her body shyly shudders… I saw her closing the eyes in pleasure… and I blew up. We kissed and kissed each other endlessly – and couldn’t help doing another… Merged into a single whole. Oh, how truly sweet that was.
So who dared to say that I and Larissa do not complement each other? We were born to be a single thing!
* * *
Today Tanya came to me in my sleep. Tanya… my beloved Tanya…
Damnation! That devilish sentimentality comes again!
For a thousand times already I have come to the conclusion that my meeting with Tanya was but a monstrous mistake in my fate and I have no desire to rethink it over and over again. I love Larissa and only her.
Or… or maybe not?
* * *
No! For how long must I sustain it! How many torments are still awaiting me?! When will we stop to quarrel at last?! To finally talk heart-to-heart? Why… why does something constantly pulls me to her… why, why I cannot expel these feelings… this passion and inclination?!
I write of this now only to catch myself on a thought about her again… No way!!!
* * *
That’s a pure nightmare, a horror, a delusion! I am being torn apart – I have no love for her, but still being invisibly pulled to her! What sort of a terrible inclination is that, when have it born?
We are totally opposite, different with her – and we do not fit each other! Why can’t I help thinking about her, can’t help visiting her each day after my work, cannot forget her?
Why can’t I forget her as a horrific dream?!
* * *
Today we quarreled once more. She said that doesn’t want to behold me any longer – and turned out. Muttered something about some grandma that cheated her, having closed the door, and swore.
And then I slept on a street. She finally accepted me back after a day, having cursed for decency. Strange… am I starting to like her insults?
No, I can’t bear it any longer! It all ends today. Today – or never!
* * *
A headache is becoming stronger with each passing moment and this itching pain starts spreading gradually over the body. Just one thing pleases me – today all legal formalities will be settled, and at the long last we will cease to be a husband and a wife any longer.
But how am I going to live for now without her – my faithful Larissa?!
Have I truly gone mad – or does it just seems to me? Probably I am truly ill. Need to take a walk – fresh air will surely help me.
No, I definitely have no desire to live that way!
* * *
A lonely man, going along the street… his eyes are slightly closed and right-hand keeps for a head. He’s being swayed here and there – from apart it almost seems that he’s simply yet another drunk individual. But those passers-by, who accidentally looked into these semi-covered eyes, rejected all those improper thoughts of him as another debauchee – for these eyes had practically no pupils – pupils had decreased to abnormal sizes and such a mortal melancholy lapped in them, that involuntary lookers immediately backed off.
A read traffic light – and cars begin their movement.
However, some unsteady man almost sees them not – as if he’s not able to see a red light, blocking the way… Now he has almost crossed half of the roadway…
“Watch out, red light!” a shout of pedestrians reaches him, and a man starts turning to face the speaker.
Brakes, pressed against the stop. A squeal of rubber on the ground… A man starts turning towards the approaching car – and his eye pupils starts widening…
* * *
“So, what happened to your friend?”
“He died in a road accident… the car brought him down. Craniocerebral trauma and brain’s hemorrhage. When he has been transported to a hospital, he was already dead.”
“I deeply regret.”
“I know. These words are unnecessary.”
“What are your thoughts on the cause of his death?”
“I cannot judge for certain. Something strange was going on with him recently – and he became beside himself. Divorced from his wife Tatyana and married Larissa. To tell the truth, I couldn’t understand his choice – they were totally different. From the time of his divorce with Tanya, he ceased to contact me anymore, despite our previous warm friendship. I still not fully understand what made him take those rash steps.”
“And how are now Tatyana and Larissa fare, do you know?”
“Tatyana married another man and moved to a different city – I know nothing of her further destiny. And as for Larissa… Larissa died. She was killed.”
The speaker sighted.
“Some maniac trapped her in a lane when she was coming back home. Raped at first, and then cut with a knife. A body was found in a cellar of one of the next building approximately a week after the events.”
“It’s all that terrible.”
“Yes, very sad indeed.”
“Still that doesn’t explain the motives of his behavior several months prior to his death.”
“Yes, it doesn’t. However,” and speaking man smiled, “I guess I have some clue.”
And having that said he took out a small pile of papers from his portfolio.
“Here, take it. This is a diary he has been writing – or at least that part which I have managed to get my hands on when a levy of execution was being performed. I didn’t look it through yet, but if you seem so interested in the question of his motives – here, take it and read, probably you’ll be able to find an answer there.”
“Yes, let me take a look at that thing.”
And the man opened the pages…